LatASIA

There is nothing worse than catching a glimpse of a fat man's crack?....stand over a sink without any hot water supply and scrub the gusset of your pants to get rid of the sweat stains caused by being excessively over weight and living in an unbearable tropical heat? Me neither. But I look at all those fat people walking about the streets of Bangkok, with their shirts in some mess around the oxters and think to myself "stop thinking about it, Colin. You'll make yourself sick if you allow these thoughts to go on any further." I guess the feeling must be the same sort of queasy feeling that Jim Sillars gets when Margo says to him "hey honey, 68! You owe me one!". How does that man get through the day?

Last week I went to the gym and had my usual lazy workout. There were not that many people there so I had no option but to exercise. At the end of it I went to get a shower. Stripped down (you can buy the photos on my website) and got into the shower.Arranged all my toiletries in a neat row, put the key to my locker somewhere safe (no, not there, you perverts) and then switched on the rather powerful shower. It was at this point that I panicked as I realised I still had my towel around my waist. What an eejit! And the towel boy would not give me another towel unless I paid forit. One per member and I only have one member. So I had to give the wee radge some baht to get a dry towel. Thank Buddha 2008 is over.

Not that this year has been much better. So far I have had a cold, had some a$$ hole lit off a firework right next to me on the beach (I smell great when I am sizzling) and then had a narrow escape when these two Japanese clownstried to get a mini hot air balloon to go instrong winds. The feckin' thing came straight for me. Icannot believe how dumb some people are. To topit all, yesterday I went to the Japanese Burger bar and they messed up my order.It took them 25 minutes to resolve it and all this time my burger was getting cold. I asked them to heat it for me and when they brought itback it was so feckin' hot that even the Iranians are refusing to handle it!!!!! If these kids had brains then they would be dangerous!

But anyway, I know that you all want to hear about my love life. I say love life and not sex lifebecause, as you know,everyone who meets me,loves me. Well, I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report that will getthrough your email filters. Suffice to say that fat old men with no hair are still hot, hot, hot when it comes to the personal choice of South East Asians with no money and a need for luxury items such as food and cleandrinking water. But hey, as they tell me over and over again "Hello. What's your name? Where you from? You lovely!" 77million Asians can't be wrong?

Well, that is it from me.My laundry will be finished soon and I have to get back to the machine before someone tried to steal my Calvin’s and use them as a temporary shelterfor Burmese refugees. There is something a bit strange about going to a washing machine at the side of the road and putting your entire collection of skid stained pants in it to get them clean. But at 25baht a pop you just can't refuse the offer to let the world see your world weary pants.

I see that the Burmese government keeps blocking CNN and BBC World. Those lucky little feckers!!!! Think I might move there next. Food is min short supply too so it is agreat place for fat folk to live. See you all there soon......